Since I was a young lad I can never remember having a strong sense of who I was. This continued right up to adulthood and I somehow ingested that it was not okay to be myself, as I was born into this world. So I grew into adulthood like this, and used alcohol as a means to escape from the difficulties that lay with this true person. I became almost completely detached from this true person and lived my life in a fearful state at the whims of the world and others. This fear which I ingested had its hallmarks from my youth and I could never explain its presence in my life. With it trailed around a constant companion of shame. It held me back in every way.
So after suffering for years with mental ill-health and seeking answers and causes to my struggles, I eventually found out the truth, that the man I was conceived by was a Catholic priest. This was revelatory for me as I would finally have some answers. It gave a context to the suffering that was present in my mother, and to the overwhelming emotions this young boy tried to cope with. I commenced a very painful journey to meet this man, my father, and to get to know him. I wanted to understand why he made the decisions he did in his life and in doing so to perhaps heal the hurt that lay within me. The journey was checkered, but there is hope that I can accept my past and move into a new dawn of whole life based on my truth.